Event Recap—Diversability Unplugged: Dating & Relationships
This past Wednesday, Diversability teamed up with four diverse and prominent figures in the disability community to bring our community an event focused on dating and relationships as it relates to living with disabilities. Conducted in a webinar-style format, the event gave each panelist the opportunity to answer an array of questions and tell personal stories, as well as attendees the chance to engage with one another and panelists in real-time through chat.
Image Description: Image has a teal background with white text. Text reads, “Diversability Unplugged: Dating and Relationships”. There is a illustration of a computer monitor, inside the monitor is a screen shot from the zoom webinar of 7 peoples faces. At the bottom of the computer monitor there is text that reads, “Thank you for joining!” Small white Diversability logo centered at bottom of image.
Our panelists
Each of our four guests brought unique experiences, expertise, and a host of advocacy work with them. Their work and perspectives vary, but one thing is certain: they understand fully the ups and downs of finding love (especially oneself) with a disability.
Drew Gurza
Drew Gurza (@DrewGurza) is the host of Disability After Dark, a podcast shining a bright light on disability and sexuality. It has been nominated for a Canadian Podcast Award, a Queerty Award, and was chosen as an Honoree at the 2020 Webby Awards. The show is available on all platforms. Drew is also an active awareness advocate, having originated the viral hashtag #DisabledPeopleAreHot. You can find out more about Andrew by visiting www.DrewGurza.com.
Lolo Spencer
Lolo, (@itslololove) is a disability lifestyle influencer, Film Independent Spirit Award-nominated actress, model, public speaker, and content creator. Her YouTube channel Sitting Pretty highlights a range of topics from everyday challenges dealing with society, dating, and her new diagnosis journey. She also hosts a popular weekly Instagram TV talk show called The New Narrative, interviewing guests with varying disabilities to create a new narrative for the disability community by highlighting their work within their communities.
Nathan Todd
Nathan Todd, (@therealnathantodd) founder of No Label Defines Me Coaching, helps entrepreneurs eradicate loneliness to create meaningful connections in their life and business. He authored the book Empower Yourself: Awaken The B.E.A.S.T. Within, an interactive self-exploration and improvement guide. Nathan has been featured in Brain and Life Magazine, Zealist 100, a 2020 WEGO Health Award Finalist, and is the creator and host of the Disability: My Experience Summit.
Fatiima
Fatiima (@official.fatiima) is a vlogger from Texas. She uses a cochlear implant. One of her main goals is to spread awareness about the deaf community.You can find her vlog at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCLBkZ9_ux8_E4W0xpsRCV3A .
Topics
Our host Whitney Bailey started the evening by briefly introducing each panelist and the Diversability organization to attendees who may not be aware of our work, before moving directly into the evening’s conversation. Questions were divided into three distinct sections: dating, relationships, and body-positivity/self-acceptance. Within each, other unique experiences were discussed, including intersectionality, ableism, etc.
Dating
It’s no secret that dating is hard, especially when you have a disability. Statistically, we start dating later in life than our non-disabled counterparts. Panelists were asked a series of questions about when they started dating, what their personal experiences were with it once they did, and how having a disability has affected their dating life (positive and negative).
Most agreed that although they started dating somewhat later than others - in their 20s rather than before - they had experienced plenty of positive dating experiences. They did acknowledge that rejection because of their disability is a real obstacle, and the topic of when (and if) to disclose a disability during the dating process was brought up. Lolo, Drew, and Whitney each had made some sort of witty or joking reference to their wheelchairs on their dating profiles. A fan favorite was “I’m wheelie fun.” (Whitney).
Nathan brought up an interesting point when discussing online dating (which all panelists said they used predominantly in their dating ventures). It is often our own fears as people with disabilities that prevent us from fully taking the dating leap. We have internalized the narrative that we are somehow destined for rejection, so we essentially self-sabotage the whole experience. Lolo agreed, reminding us that it’s okay to go onto a dating app without expectation. Some of her best friends have come from dating, and she wouldn’t trade the experience for anything, even though she didn’t get a romantic relationship out of it. Dating is hard, regardless of ability. There will be rejection, for a variety of reasons. You may come out of it with a steady relationship. You may end up with some great friends. Or you may finally discover how to love yourself instead. Their advice: try to have fun!
Relationships
The conversation then shifted to highlight the unique experience of those in committed relationships, or those who had/have at one point been in one. Fatima, who was our only married panelist, discussed first what it is like to be married living with a disability.
For her, life itself with her partner is the easy part. They have found a way to live daily life and accommodate each other in a way that works for them. The challenge has been with outside forces - namely her in-laws. Because they are not HOR and don’t speak ASL, there is a lack of perspective of Fatiima’s needs and communication is difficult and frustrating. And at times there has been limited acceptance by them.
Marriage/relationship equality was also highlighted. Drew, who identifies as queer as well as disabled, discussed how progress has been made in terms of LGBTQ marriage rights in the U.S., but disabled marriage equality is still in large part non-existent. When simply moving in together runs the risk of losing essential benefits, we have a long way to go towards true relationship equity for our community.
Body-Positivity + Self-Acceptance
The one theme that resonated throughout the evening’s questions, answers, and stories was this: regardless of what your relationship status is, what your identity(ies) are, or your obstacles, one thing is more important than the rest: learning to love and accept yourself!
Seeing ourselves as attractive, appealing, or even worthy of love can be difficult for those of us with disabilities. There’s a great deal of negative self-talk that happens, in large part because of long-standing stigma and stereotypes. Many of us internalize and begin to believe these falsehoods ourselves, making dating and relationships even more difficult. While we can’t dismantle all the institutions of ableism around us in an instant, every step towards more positive self-talk, acceptance, and love is important.
Panelists discussed their own journeys of self-acceptance, as well as advice for how attendees could begin to do the same. Drew, for instance, said that being honest about his caretaking needs from partners was not only logical but empowering. It allowed him to ensure his basic needs were met while also giving his partner the opportunity to step up. Also allowing himself to see himself as a sexual being was a huge step in his self-acceptance. He coined the viral hashtag #DisabledBodiesAreHot as part of this journey, and he’s received positive feedback that this is a real issue for others in the community. It’s now become his mission to change the narrative for others as well.
Attendee Feedback
What truly makes Diversability Unplugged events possible (and successful) is our community of enthusiastic attendees. Below are just a taste of the amazing feedback we received during the event:
“Dream team panel! Thank you all for being here.” -- Caroline Millioux
“Great to be here.” -- PaulPaul
“I relate SO much!” -- Alesia
“I LOVE what Nathan just said - YES!” -- Emily Joy MSCP
“Beautifully said...Yesss” -- Dr. Michelle Fynan
“Thank you for your openness. I relate to your story[ies].” -- Claudia
“UH-MAZING” -- Camila Kann
Final Thoughts
February was a month to celebrate and highlight all kinds of love - the new and exciting, the one that stands the tests of time, and the kind you find when you finally begin to accept and love yourself, regardless of your relationship status. The four panelists of the Diversability Unplugged: Dating and Relationships event shared stories, gave advice, and kept it real and vulnerable when it came to discussing love and disability. And one thing is for certain: whatever your love story, keep being you!
We hope to see you next month for our March Diversability Soirèe community mixer. It will include conversations about employment, break out rooms for games and additional topics, and much more! Stay tuned in our Facebook Group for more info!