5 Tips for Making Friends as a Disabled Adult
Four people greeting each other. One standing person high-fives person in wheelchair.
Written by Arielle Dance, Diversability
Originally Published in NAMI ‘s print magazine, Advocate Spring 2023
Research shows that friendship and social connections have both physical and mental health benefits; people with close connections have a lower risk of chronic stress and high blood pressure. However, experiencing these benefits is harder for some groups than others. Building new friendships can be a challenge for anyone, but for people with disabilities, there is an added layer to navigating friendships and creating new ones.
For people with disabilities to build friendships, they must grapple with several challenges. This includes being vulnerable, disclosing one’s needs and finding companions who are empathetic, flexible and supportive.
Beyond the proven health benefits, making friends has other advantages — connecting with a community, improving mood, and educating people in an ableist society. I hoped to get a better understanding of what this actually looks like for adults with disabilities navigating mental health and friendship.
The Lived Experience of Building Friendships
Five members of the Diversability Leadership Collective (DLC), a group dedicated to accelerating disability leadership and influence, shared their experience and advice about how they make friends.
These community members have faced various hardships while trying to make and maintain connections. Some people may struggle to care for a disabled friend who cannot always go to the same events or needs accommodations for activities that come naturally to some. Being a compassionate and empathetic friend is a skill that must be developed and practiced regularly — because, at times, it may be easier to forget about a friend’s disability.
From experience, most people with disabilities can easily pinpoint why it is challenging to make or keep friends. DLC members had plenty to share on this topic. Keisha Greaves worries that her non-disabled friends may hurt her, exclude her from activities, and feel that she is a burden that will hold them back. Jacob Levy expressed concern over the inability to maintain friendships. Nico Meyering worried whether new friendships will last if he gets sick. Puneet Singh Singhal struggles to make a clear line between sharing humor with friends versus them making fun of him — laughing at his challenges, the way he talks or his clumsiness. Arwyn Swanger shared the frustration of being taken advantage of and dealing with toxic friendships.
Keeping these experiences in mind, they agreed on five tips for building new friendships:
1. Be Authentic
When establishing new bonds, it is important to show new people who you really are — with your disability and despite your disability. The right people will be interested in learning more about you and your interests. Hiding who you truly are can also be a detriment to your mental health. If you authentically enter a friendship, you are unlikely to feel shame about your personality, interests or disability. Both Keisha and Arwyn agree that being yourself is the first step in making friends.
“Be yourself, be honest; let them know about your disability [and] accommodations you may need; see if they are here for you. Let them know how you feel and [that you] want to be included.” - Keisha
“Talk about things that you struggle with and be open to help being offered. Your friends will love you no matter what....and if they don't…well, then, they don't deserve you!” - Arwyn
2. Join a Group or Class
Exploring clubs, classes and groups related to your interests will expose you to new people with whom you have something in common. If you are a former dancer, get back into a class. If you’re into playing Dungeons and Dragons, look for a group near you. Whether your interests are reading, art, live action role play (LARP), or environmental advocacy, there will always be other people interested in the same thing. Developing relationships will feel less daunting when you have a common interest as a foundation.
Jacob had success finding community with other parents at his child’s school. Keisha and Nico found their community in organizations focused on their specific disabilities. Nico also made friends through various volunteering projects. All these options can help build meaningful relationships.
3. Explore Social Media Outlets
The online world can be a fascinating place to build relationships, especially if you are uncomfortable with or unable to leave your home. For the disabled community, online forums, posts and groups are a key force in advocacy and storytelling. Disability Horizons recommends that disabled people use technology and social apps to meet new people.
The Diversability Leadership Collective (DLC) is one such community. The online network connects people with disabilities across the globe. Puneet, who is one of its members, recognized that he made all his friends with disabilities online. Keisha uses hashtags on social media to find people and posts she can relate to. Similarly, Nico shared,
“Online friendships are valid and real, and some of my earliest friendships have been through Disabled spaces on social media or other online communities focused around a given hobby or cause. The Nico who made lasting friendships in a Pokemon chat room in 2000 is the same Nico who made lasting friendships by joining the DLC in summer 2021.”
4. Find Your People
While Nico and Keisha acknowledge that hobbies and interests are a solid foundation for friendship, they stress the importance of connecting with the disabled community. Keisha acknowledged that he valued having friends who could relate to his lived experience.
Nico believes that friends with disabilities are more likely to be more supportive friends,
“Disabled people will understand when you have to cancel, when you have to reschedule and when you have to choose a different hangout activity. They are also more willing to listen to your gripes, stories, jokes and observations.”
5. Seek Anti-Ableist Friendships
Friendships outside of the disabled community can certainly be rewarding and impactful. When pursuing these friendships, the goal should be to find people who support your experiences and are willing to learn about them. Remember to openly communicate and be patient as people learn your needs.
Puneet encourages people with disabilities to make friends with people who do not “infantilize” disabled folks or minimize their challenges to navigating an ableist world. This is a reminder to find people who are interested in addressing ableism with you as an ally.
Our Final Thoughts
“You can still have fun as a disabled person, but you may need certain accommodations. Let new friends know how you feel…we have our days where we may not want to talk or go out.” - Keisha Greaves
“Put in the work and be consistent.” - Jacob Levy
“Consider establishing a schedule for talking and checking in with new friends and being upfront about how much time and energy you can devote to the friendship. Get on the same page as early as possible. Friendships take effort and that's ok! It's ok because we put effort into the things we care about.” - Nico Meyering
“With time we grow[and we change. [Non-disabled people] should understand disability is not a bad word. I try to give [people] an opportunity to understand my perspective. I make sure I talk about my disability in a very clear manner.” - Puneet Singh Singhal
“Don't be afraid of the unknown; In a world where we live with judgment and exclusion, be inclusive in your approach of getting to know others. This means allowing yourself to be open to receive, so that others can do the same. Your voice matters. Use it and show the world who you are.” - Arwyn Swanger
About the Author:
Arielle Dance is a content writer at Diversability who identifies as a Black, queer woman with disabilities. A Ph.D. in Mind-Body Medicine, Arielle is published on multiple online platforms and has a children’s book, “Dearest One,” that focuses on mindfulness and grief.
The author thanks Diversability Leadership Collective members Keisha Greaves, Jacob Levy, Nico Meyering, Puneet Singh Singhal, and Arwyn Swanger.