Yes, Disabled People Can Be Parents
3 Stories from Disabled Parents
By Arielle Dance, PhD, Diversability
Parenting with a disability is achievable and nurtures strong families and compassionate children. Disability is only one factor of how or if disabled people parent, but being disabled does not determine how great of a parent they will be.
As a disabled person investigating my options for parenting, I was encouraged to reach out to my community, the Diversability Leadership Collective, to find out what parenting with a disability could be like. I was encouraged to learn about adaptive parenting as a thrilling opportunity instead of only learning about the challenges and stigma associated with parenting as a disabled person in an ableist society. Knowing that the experiences of these disabled folks does not generalize all parenting or even disabled parenting, it is necessary to share stories that are often silenced or erased from parenting magazines, blogs, or how-to books.
Join me as I share the parenting journey of three disabled people, and most importantly, their words of advice for others in our community who my be exploring the idea of parenting.
Tameka Citchen-Spruce
she/her
A picture of Tameka Citchen-Spruce. She has wavy hair and is wearing a red turtleneck and black cardigan. Her baby daughter is sitting on her lap and is wearing pink heart-print shirt. Courtesy of T.Chitchen-Spruce
Tameka Citchen-Spruce is a mother of two who has a T2, incomplete, spinal cord injury. This screenwriter and Indie film producer has been paralyzed from the mid-chest since infancy. She believes in keeping the lines of communication open with her children; she shared her disability with them and how she became disabled as they asked questions. To her 9-year-old daughter and 10-year-old son, Citchen-Spruce’s disability is ordinary and they’re accepting of it. Because of this, she believes her children are more helpful, respectful, and accepting of people’s differences.
As a manual wheelchair user, Citchen-Spruce admits that it was challenging to keep up with her children in their younger years.
“When my son was almost 2 years old, he escaped out of the van. My wheelchair was [already in the van] behind me and I couldn’t run after him. We were in the parking lot, and I was terrified he would run in the street. Luckily, he didn’t and my husband ran after him and got him soon after. However, I was crying and felt helpless because at that moment I couldn’t run immediately after him.”
Tameka Citchen-Spruce’s Advice For [Aspiring] Disabled Parents
● You can be a parent and have a disability.
● Seek resources and support.
● Find a mentor or fellow disabled parent for insight.
Dani Izzie
she/her | @daniizzie
Dani Izzie in her wheelchair, legs crossed, holding one twin on her lap, another twin running by the side of the wheelchair. They are outside on the grass on a sunny day. Courtesy of D.Izzie
Dani Izzie is a quadriplegic, 14-year wheelchair user, and mother of two-year-old twins whose journey to motherhood was chronicled in the documentary Dani’s Twins. Izzie is sure to make the wheelchair a positive experience for them but has not fully explained her disability to them, yet. To Izzie, accessible parenting means co-sleeping for easier access, relying heavily on verbal communication, oral storytelling, and being overly observant and caring. “They will try to help me even though I never ask. They observe how others provide care for me and they see that as natural and they copy it.” This team work is evident during diaper changes and getting dressed.
Like many little ones, story time is an exciting time for Izzie’s children. The twins recognize that it is challenging for their mother to hold books but this is not a limitation. Their imaginations and development grow with each story. The twins have learned to respect the boundaries of Izzie’s chair and disability. “They are very obedient in public — they understand deeply that they cannot run off from me. They are very respectful of my [wheelchair’s] joystick and never touch or fiddle with it… They seem to understand certain lines can’t be crossed in terms of some of the aspects around my disability.”
Izzie admits that exhaustion is a major obstacle that hinders her from keeping up with the twins. “I need support and assistance as I become very fatigued and my pain levels can be difficult to deal with.” For this reason, Izzie highly recommends having a strong support system.
Dani Izzie’s Advice For [Aspiring] Disabled Parents
● Have Support.
● Consider counseling with your partner.
● Take care of yourself — you have to come first sometimes.
Allie Schmidt
she/her | @disability_dame
Allie Schmidt sitting on the sidewalk with her legs crossed, her son sitting on her lap, with a white brick wall as a background. Courtesy of A.Schmidt
For the last seven years, life coach Allie Schmidt has lived with a rare form of motor neuron disease that paralyzed her arms. A mother of two-and-a-half year old Asher, Schmidt has found ways to explain her disability in a way that he understands.
“My son is still too young to understand what the word disability means, but he knows that I have limitations. We were reading a book… and there was a person in a wheelchair… I explained to him that that person has a disability like mommy does. I asked him to repeat the word [disability], and he did. I explain[ed] to him that some people’s bodies work differently than others and sometimes we refer to that as a disability.”
Because of her disability, Schmidt has noticed an increased independence, compassion, and confidence in her son. Asher loves to help doing tasks around the house which Schmidt believes help him feel like a valuable and integral member of the family.
When Schmidt thinks of the future and possible impacts her disability may have on Asher, she worries that their relationship may be strained because of her inability to do seemingly typical parenting tasks like being an active PTO member or classroom volunteer. “There are limitations to the activities that we can do together without the help of someone else, and I wish it wasn’t that way.” Schmidt also admits that she hopes Asher will see, over time, her independence despite the fact that she does not do some activities he may consider typical (for example: driving a car or leaving for work daily like her husband).
Although she notices how her disability impacts Asher’s development, she does not believe that it impacts her relationship with her son. “From the perspective of a mom with a physical disability, the first couple of years are brutal and your mental health will have many ups [and] downs. However, with each passing year, it gets easier because [your child] won’t rely on you as much. [Inevitably], your disability doesn’t actually have that much of an impact on the relationship with your child.”
Allie Schmidt’s Advice For [Aspiring] Disabled Parents
● Make parent friends, you will need the help — accept the help!
● “[Your children have] never known anything different, so they love you just the same as they would if you didn’t have a disability.”
● Make your home accessible for you and your family.
These parents are evidence that parenting as a disabled person is possible. Although there are challenges and adjustments, these parents are raising open-minded and open-hearted young ones. The advice they have given are key: seek support in your community, communicate openly with your partner and children, and know that parenting is possible for disabled people.